Day 27: Bye Bye "Eye-yi"

I think we have officially taken Jack's "eye-yi" aka pacifier away. I say "I think" because I'm not so confident that I have it in me. It's all I can do not to fold like an origami orchid when Jack asks me for his "eye-yi" as I put him to bed. But after leaving it home on accident when we went up to Grandma's for the weekend, he was forced to sleep without if for two nights, and one nap. Honestly, Jack is handling it quite well. I wish I could say the same for me. I'm amazed by all the emotions this simple action has caused in my life. I'm not 100% confident I can be strong enough to hold out on my little guy. But tonight he fell asleep without it, and he honestly didn't really cry at all. So what is my problem? Let me elaborate.

The first day that Jack took a pacifier was our last day in the hospital with him. As we were waiting to be discharged the photographer came in to do the hospital pictures. After trying her very best for about 5 minutes to get him to soften his little scowl (something we learned wasn't possible, he was just born a little bruiser), she asked if we had a pacifier. She said that sometimes she could get newborns to smile if she could get them to take the pacifier and then take it away. It hadn't even occurred to Shawn or me to even try a pacifier. Lucy never took one so we were programed to proceed without one. But when we gave Jack that pacifier for the first time, there was no question that it was the beginning of something beautiful.

Jack loved that thing so much. I can attribute his title as my easiest baby to that pacifier. We quickly bought as many as possible, we bought them by the 7 pack. It was terrible when we'd lose one, but we always had more in reserve. Shia the dog did her best to free the house of them because every time Jack left one around she found them to be like bubble gum, very fun to chew on. At16 months Jack first attempted to say "pacifier", which came out as "eye-yi". That is the name that has stuck. Even today when I ask him to get me Alivia's pacifier I say "Jack, can you get mommy Alivia's eye-yi?" Not that I ever have to ask him because every time he hears his sister crying he starts scouring the house in search of her "pinK eye-yi" because he knows that will make her feel all better.

When Jack hit the 18 month mark, I knew it was time to seriously start thinking about taking it away, but I just didn't have it in me to do it cold turkey. So I made a rule that he could only have his pacifier in his bed at nap time and for bed. That worked great until he was about 22 months old when I took his bumpers out of his crib to put them in the bassinet. Then Jack would just reach into his crib during then day when I wasn't around and I'd find him in his room, laying on the floor wrapped in his blankies and going to town on that pacifier, usually with his feet propped up against his crib. Even though he was breaking the rule, it melted my heart. He was happy as could be and, here's the best part, he was quiet, but he wasn't getting into anything or breaking anything or spreading anything all over anything else. He was just laying there, sucking on his pacifier. Yes, he was breaking a rule, hence the quiet and staying in one place, he knew he couldn't be seen. I think that is what I am going to miss the most, walking into his room and seeing him taking a break from his busy day just being so sweet and cute.

But if I can't take it away now, when am I going to? It's only going to get harder. Last week I heard a loud crashing sound coming from his room and it scared me to death. Once we  learned we couldn't keep the pacifier in Jack's bed, we moved them to the dresser, somewhere out of his reach, but convenient enough that we didn't have to leave the room when we put him to bed. And this is how Jack learned to climb (and as a result got the blue sharpie). The loud crashing sound was Jack falling off his rocking horse which he had pushed up against his dresser and then climbed up on to reach his pacifier. Poor kid didn't know that we don't use things that rock as step stools, and now he knows. I'm just so grateful that he didn't pull the dresser down on him.

Even though I know that I have to do this, all these sweet memories of Jack and hie "eye-yi" pull at my heart in such a way that I sat on the couch tonight long after Jack fell asleep feeling terrible and talking myself into a depression. I remember dreading taking the bottle away from Lucy, and that was so easy. All I had to do was give her sippy cups instead, she still got her beloved milk. But this, this is like taking water away from your goldfish. How can life possibly go on? What makes it worse is that Alivia get's a pacifier, and Jack sees that every day. I wonder how many times I will catch him seeking hers, it's happened a couple of times, but not since we took his away. I feel so terrible, it's almost like that pacifier had as big of a place in my heart as Jack himself. Don't worry, it doesn't, but it does represent my baby growing up into a big boy, and that's always a hard pill to swallow. Trust me, I see how hard it is for a mother to let her little boy grow up in the fire in my mother-in-law's eyes when ever I tell her I won't iron Shawn's clothes. It's nothing against Shawn, it's the iron. That, and the image burned into my memory of my mother-in-law's "I'm watching you" threats on my wedding day. Mom's just have a hard time, and I'm kind of starting to think especially with their little boys.

In the end, I really only have to hold strong for two or three weeks for about 20 minutes a day. Jack will survive. Pretty sure I won't survive, but I'm doing my best. I just might take up thumb sucking, which nasty habit motivated me to make sure Jack took a pacifier because I could take it away, and it doesn't get soggy and wrinkly and covered with sores. Now, between the two, I think it would probably be easier on me to cut off a thumb than to withhold a pacifier.